UGHHHHH

Biopsy

2009-07-08T13:25:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the day. Dale has his biopsy in Omaha tomorrow. I read up on this biopsy and honestly, it sounds awful. Seems that with all the stress one must go through, knowing they have to have a biopsy and what the outcome could be, they would try to make it as painless as possible, but he told me there is no anesthesia involved.

He saw the specialist about a month ago and given his very high PSA result, the doctor said the next step was a prostate biopsy. We had to wait this long because the doctor was out of town. So finally the time is here. It will take a week to get the results.

We haven't talked about it much, he doesn't like to think about it too much I assume. He said that there is nothing we can do about it no matter what the outcome so there's no point dwelling on it. I'm not made that way. I like to talk it out, be prepared, discuss options, plans. But I have to respect the fact that he's not made that way.

Honestly, I seriously doubt that nothing is wrong. His PSA was way too high for this to be just a fluke so my mind goes to the future. Surgeries, treatments.....it's all very scary. He could die from this and I know that. I worry about the kids most. They are so young. They will have so many changes in their little lives. The best case scenario, if he does have cancer, is that he will have to have surgery, treatments, etc...and they will be affected even by this. They don't know anything right now, they don't even know that he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I am taking care of mom now, and of course the kids. I will take care of him as well but honestly the thought of so much caregiving overwhelms me. I am a strong person but I'm going to have to pull alot of strength out of me that right now I am unaware that I have! I have to stay positive, for all of them and hope that I can find strength and support from my friends and family. I have a few friends here, but most of my support lives far away...

So please pray. For Dale, for the kids, for me...I will update as soon as I know more. Tomorrow will be tough for him, painful. He is strong and that is good. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated.

Gracie

2009-07-08T12:45:00.002-05:00

When our cat, Gracie, died I was so moved by the outpouring of love and sympathy that I received from my friends and family. I began thinking about our short time with Gracie and realized what a special, different kitty she was. I wanted to share this story as it actually is quite interesting!

In the summer of 2006 my dad decided he wanted to get a cat. He had been a few years without a cat, since his kitty, Katie, had passed away. He was ready. I encouraged him to get two cats, because he is very active and gone from his house and they could keep each other company. He asked me to pick out some kitties at the shelter for him and of course I was thrilled to do so!

So the kids and I headed to the shelter and took a look around. I'm the soft heart, always looking for the needy ones, and the ones with special stories. The first kitty we found was Spook, an all black cat. I was told that black cats were hard to adopt out, because of superstitions, so of course I took him. The next cat I saw was a baby kitten, not even weaned. Her mom had died and they were bottle feeding her. I decided I had to have her, for us...she was beautiful! Little Sophie. Then, realizing what a sucker I was, they showed me Gracie. She was a little older than Spook, but probably only a few months old. Her mother had Feline Distemper when she was pregnant, and she and all the other kittens had died. Gracie was the only one who survived. She was a little funny looking but seemed sweet enough. That was enough for me. I took her.

When we got them home, after a week or so, I figured out that Gracie must be deaf. Since Dad is blind, I decided that would not make a good combination, so we decided that Sophie and Spook would go with Dad and we would keep Gracie. She was very shy, would run away from people, when she walked she would bob and weave, almost like she was drunk. Her head would sway from side to side, she couldn't climb on anything. She could barely make it up the stairs.

I took her to the vet to have her checked out, shots, etc. He said she would probably always be this way, would be unable to get on furniture, climb the gate (to get to the "kitty room"). It was amazing that she had survived this long and probably would not live to be very old. She would always be "reclusive" and not to worry about her...at least we had saved her life and she would have a safe, good home.

Boy was he wrong. Within weeks of arriving at our house, the bobbing and weaving had almost stopped, she was climbing the stairs, chasing the other cats, I think she mimicked the other cats and that's how she learned to behave. She still didn't like people at all, but she loved the other cats and played and cuddled with them all the time.

We never paid that much attention to Gracie, I guess, she just "resided" here. Because she didn't like people it was hard to bond with her. But she was happy and beautiful.

A few weeks before Gracie died, I had noticed a slight change in her behavior. She had lost some weight, she wasn't playing with the other kitties as much. But with her, it's so hard to tell, since she won't let us close to her. When the kids and I were out of town, Dale texted me and told me that Gracie was going fast. She had stopped eating and drinking completely and was not being very mobile. By the time we got back to town (2 days later) she was not moving around at all. She way lying in the kitchen, under the kitchen table. I could tell she was just barely alive, her eyes were open and her breathing was shallow. I got the kids settled in, explained what was happening and sat on the floor next to her and called my dad.

She lived for about 30 more minutes, my dad stayed on the phone with me the whole time, of course...that's just the way he is. Gracie moved around a few times, just slightly. Then all of a sudden she started "making muffins". Her little paws moved back and forth, I think she was trying to comfort herself. Moments later she took a deep breath and sighed. It was over.

She lived a good life. A strange life, I will admit, but she loved the other kitties. She wasn't supposed to live at all and she touched us very deeply. She had a purpose and she was a good kitty....she will be missed.

Updates...sort of

2009-06-08T20:22:00.003-05:00

I really should update more often, because by the time I do, there is so much to say, it's a bit overwhelming. But somethings must remain unsaid for the time being, so maybe it's just as well for now.
Nana is still in the nursing home. Unbelievable how hard that decision was to make. She saw the neurologist on Friday and he is wanting to rule out a stroke, so we went for an MRI on Saturday. Hopefully those results will be back tomorrow. She continues to fall, or almost fall since fortunately there is usually a nurse or therapist around to catch her. If she were at home, it would be a matter of time before she would break a hip, so it's just as well.
Then there's Dale. He had his annual physical last week (for the first time in 10 years!) and had some very irregular results come back. VERY irregular. Now I'm not meaning to be a pessimist, but it just doesn't look very promising. He will see a specialist on the 11th, so we will see what happens then.
I have a tendency to complicate things, or at least my emotions tend to. I want and try to do the right things, but that doesn't seem to work out. Perhaps if I could turn my feelings off, it would benefit everyone. But I seem to be incapable of that. So for the time being I continue to fall on my face and try to pull myself up and dust myself off and hope no one noticed...
More soon, and hopefully more honesty as well. So many things I should share, just can't right now.

Blogworthy Subjects

2009-05-01T21:30:00.002-05:00

Seems there are a few things I feel are "blogworthy" and I'm not sure where to begin. Unfortunately the kids are still awake and so no blogging will be done right now, but I thought I should at least write down my ideas, for a time when I can sit down and write, so they don't escape me!

1. The things we do for love.
2. Even Johns Hopkins thinks I'm a freak of nature!
3. Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster
4. Walmart Employees with Big Mouths (ok, so this one isn't really worthy of an entire blog, but a funny story just the same, something I'm sure MANY could sympathize with).

OK, there they are....I will sit down very soon (hopefully later tonight) and get started. :)

Momma is a Rolling Stone...

2009-04-30T07:52:00.005-05:00

Well, since my last entry so much has happened. Those two kidney stones mentioned in my previous post? Both reared their ugly heads. One was blasted to kingdom come by way of lithotripsy, the other decided to surprise me. And let me tell you, lithotripsy is an absolute miracle, a blessing! Granted, you have to go through the whole going to the hospital, anesthesia, IVs and all that mess....but compared to passing a stone naturally? Well, trust me there is no comparison.

So Thursday I had my surgery in Omaha, did very well. Yeah I was a little sore, felt like someone had given me a good, hard kidney punch but I was alright. Monday evening as I was getting ready for work I started feeling a slight pain in my right side. And being WAY too experienced in kidney stones I knew exactly what was happening. I knew there was a very small window of time here before the full attack was going to hit. So I calmly told Dale and the kids what was going on, called in sick to work and went to the bedroom, shut the door and "hunkered down" ready for the worst.

The worst came within 30 minutes. Maybe it's a good thing we forget the pain, because it's the WORST pain ever. I mean the WORST pain. There's no comfortable position you can get in, no few moments of relief (like in labor when you are having contractions) just constant excruciating pain...I had taken some pain pills given to me after my surgery but, well, when pain gets really, really bad....you can't keep anything down. Not even pain pills.

Then came the relief. All the violence associated with passing a stone (yes, I said violence and I meant it) moved the stone along and it found a new resting place in a more comfortable spot. And the pain subsided and I passed out. Finally.

Now, the doctor told me a few years ago that if I had ANY more stones, we were going to do surgery (yes ANOTHER surgery). We needed to stop this, I was having way to many of these. Let's see, my first stone was in 1997 (and that was a story in itself!) and I have had 5 since then. So evidently there is a "gland" in my neck called the Parathyroid Gland. Its produces calcium and apparently I produce WAY too much of it, which creates these little gems. So we gotta take it out. We've tried diet change, medication, neither of which works. There's really no dangerous affects from this surgery, so I say do it and save me from having anymore stones! I go back to the doctor in a few weeks and we will go from there.

Yes, I am much better, although my VERY lengthy medical leave has turned into a resignation. In the past 5 months I've had 3 surgeries/procedures and passed 2 kidney stones. It's time to concentrate on getting well and getting my life back in order. As you can imagine, order has not been a number one priority around here for quite some time! The kids love my being at home, the house is cleaner, meals are being cooked and the kids are actually being picked up when and where they are supposed to be!

So there ya have it....hopefully there will be no more kidney stone blogs. Maybe some recovery blogs? Maybe some vacation blogs? Maybe some happy news blogs? Yes, good stuff....it's about time.

Is That Sunshine I See?

2009-03-16T08:29:00.003-05:00

Keep it on the sunny side, right? Yeah, we do the best we can around here! But on the plus side the kids and I got to take a walk yesterday (yea warmer weather!) and it's actually supposed to get up to 73 today!! It's been a LONG time comin'! (I use WAY too many song references, don't I? Blame it on my Dad!)

Well, I got my CAT scan results back. Typical me...good grief! Kidney stones in BOTH kidneys and cysts on BOTH ovaries. I just can't keep it simple, can I? Luckily the stones aren't obstructing anything yet and the cysts aren't too big. So that's a plus! I've had kidney stones 3 times before and talk about unpleasant! So let's all just think SMALL! :) My scope is tomorrow, so maybe I will know more then.

I've been playing around on Facebook alot lately. OK so maybe I am bordering on an addiction, but it's so much fun! Catching up with people I haven't seen in a million years, keeping up with current friends. I find I talk to my brother and sister so much more because of Facebook. Convenient, maybe, but it's just so nice to be in eachother's life more regularly. I'm finding that people that I was friends with back in school are still just as dear to me, that time hasn't hurt the friendship. I'm glad to have found them again, and been able to rebuild wonderful friendships.

So I worked last night, alone. Yup, it happens sometimes. My coworker called in sick so it was 41 residents and me. A friend of mine told me he hoped I would have an "uneventful" night. I don't think I ever have an "uneventful" night, considering where I work, but it wasn't bad at all. I had plenty to keep me busy and the usual residents that get up every night coming by to get a drink of water, ask (for the millionth time) what time they can shower, complaining about their roommate, little things like that. My favorite time of the shift is around 5am when they begin to wake up, come get their cup of coffee and say good morning to me. They always go out of their way to say good morning and when I leave they always say good bye and to sleep well. They have gone through so much in their lives, and continue to do so. But moments like that, you forget why they are there. They are just like the rest of us (some are much saner than a few people I've met on the outside!) going about their business, starting their day. Gotta love 'em.

So yes, that is Sunshine I see, but now I must go to sleep and see the inside of my eyelids! :)

It's Been A While!

2009-03-03T13:05:00.002-06:00

My friend, Kari, told me today that she missed my blogs. I realized, I do too! What a good outlet for me, I think I don't have time for this, but if it's good for me, I should do it. So try again I will, to do this for myself. It's been a year since I last "blogged" and so much has happened, I can't even begin to catch up....so I will just start anew.

I went to the doctor today. I'm almost 8 weeks post surgery (hysterectomy) and am doing very well, well sort of. A few weeks ago at work while I was trying to be superwoman moving tables and buffing floors, I started to pee blood (ok, stop now if you just don't want to know this much about me!) This went on for a few days and I went to my primary care physician. She couldn't figure out what was up...there was blood but no infection. So she referred me to a urologist. I went to see him today and although he had no answers, he did want to do some tests. To begin with, I have to get a CAT scan tomorrow. And joy of joys, I get to drink these two HUGE (well, 16oz) bottles of "berry flavored" barium tonight. Berry flavored chalk more like it! And then nothing to eat after 9pm. When I get to the hospital tomorrow, more "berry chalk" and then an IV wth dye. Once that is over I will go to the lab for some labwork ("to rule out cancer", he says ever so calmly). Then, on March 17th I get to have a cystoscopy. A scope put up into my bladder to see how it looks from the inside! Now, some will tell you, this is no big deal...but I'm so sorry, tubes just should not go in certain places, and that's one of those places!! I've actually had two scopes before, when I had kidney stones and did not handle it very well. I was awake both times and that was just WRONG! I guess we all have our things. For some it's needles, for me it's scopes. So after some begging and pleading, he agreed to do it under general anesthesia. YEA! Now that's the best news I got at the doctor's office!

So, that's my update. For now. I'm planning on LOTS of good news from these tests. I'm sure I just overdid it, so soon after surgery and all is fine now. I'm not in pain, and I feel like if something were terribly wrong, I would hurt.

More to come...

Music

2008-02-26T12:52:00.002-06:00

I have to share a story. For those of you who don't know, I direct the choir and bells at my church. My kids sit with my mom in the congregation so I can do these things. My mom has told me several times that when the choir is singing, Matthew sits in the congregation and hums all the way through the songs. Very cute.

Well, Sunday I was directing the bells. When I'm directing the bells I stand in the middle aisle of the sanctuary a few rows back, about even to where my kids and mom sit. While I was directing I could hear this little voice humming and softly singing along. I got so tickled and wanted so much to turn around and look but I knew I'd lose my place in the music! But it was so nice to know that my little ones enjoy the music as much as I do.

We are blessed in so many ways. I was blessed by the beautiful job the bells were doing and by this sweet little voice humming along.

Boredom!!

2008-02-26T11:42:00.002-06:00

And this is what happens when you've had WAY too much snow, you have cabin fever and are bored to death!!

We sit in the sink.......

We watch the moon.....actually this was the eclipse. The kids had their little chairs set in front of the big window, popcorn bowls in their laps, watching the eclipse. This lasted about 5 minutes.

We spend way too much time on the computer....

and....

We take pictures of ourselves being bored....

Hurry Up Spring!!

Calming Down

2008-02-13T09:18:00.002-06:00

At least it seems that way. The kids are recovered. Rachael is back in school and had a wonderful first day back. In fact, she said it was her best birthday ever. After school she had dance practice then we had her favorite, spaghetti for dinner. By then she was completely exhausted and went to sleep without a bit of trouble.

I got a gift for Rachael's birthday too! My dad bought me a new digital camera. My old one was 4 years old and in digital camera years that's pretty antiquated. His rationale for buying me a new camera (other than the other one just pooped out) was that we all benefit from my camera, I regularly send pictures to him of the kids, etc. So he benefits as well. Anyway, I'm sure there will be lots more pictures as I play with my new toy!

I'm still working on my friendships, relationships and am taking a good hard look at myself in the process. I will update as I learn more (and I hope I do!). A dear friend of mine wrote in her blog recently , "But, if GOD is listening right now, I would just like to point out, that I really think I am strong enough now. No more lessons for that are necessary…okay? And by the way, I think I have the patience thing down too, so no more lessons for that either, okay?" I'm feeling that too....seems we keep having to learn lesson after lesson....it never ends! By the way, she's got a great blog! Worth checking out. She's a fantastic writer and is working on a collection of short stories. I hope you don't mind the plug, Julie, but you rock! Both as a friend and as a writer! Check her out at: Julie Ann Writes

Well, both kids are at school. I've got to run and get valentine party supplies for BOTH classes. Parties on Thursday and Friday!

Oh and for the record, I'm still smoke free! Granted, being sick probably helped the cause, my coughing has been so bad I can't imagine smoking! But look at my counter!! I'm doing it! Yea Me!

Happy Birthday Boo!

2008-02-12T10:47:00.000-06:00

Today is Rachael's 7th birthday. My how they grow. She has turned into a beautiful, sweet, smart and funny girl. I love her so. :)

The Saga Continues...

2008-02-06T13:01:00.000-06:00

Well, Matthew is better. Rachael is improving but still has a fever and is exhausted. We're on the back end of this though (I think) and that's great. I may survive! I'm not sick yet, YEA! Grandad will be here in 2 days and we might just be germ free by then! We've had bunches of snow here and schools have been closed so at least the kids haven't "missed" much school. Since they are feeling better they are now bored and bickering. Maybe the sleeping all day was better! I can imagine that Rae will be out of school the rest of the week, since her fever is still 101-102. Matthew could have gone back today but of course the snow kept him here.

So I fell off the wagon (so to speak). I smoked. Not much, granted, only 1-2 a day (for the past few days) but I realized I couldn't do it without the patch. I became rather irritable and nervous! The state of Iowa offers 2 weeks of free patches and I got them yesterday, so here I go again! I'm not giving up on this one!

Another Day in Paradise

2008-02-04T08:36:00.000-06:00

Well, it's Monday now. Both kids are now officially sick. Matthew continued to get worse and when his fever reached 104 I hauled him off to the ER. His cough had not improved at all (perhaps it was even worse!) and he had been running a fever for going on 3 days. I had my fill. Of course, it was in the middle of the night. Isn't that when all crazy, exhausted moms take their kids to the ER?

So, let me tell you about my ER visit. When we got there Matthew was actually feeling a little better because I had given him some Ibuprofen which completely hypes him up. I supposed that's not terribly convincing to the doctors when I say he's completely lethargic and has been sleeping 20 hours a day. We did the typical check in, it all went relatively well. We were the only ones there (one of the perks of a small town). I couldn't help but think of my dear friend who runs an ER in Houston Texas. He would be shell-shocked to enter an ER at midnight on a Saturday night and it be empty!

Well, we waited a very few minutes when the doctor came in, or at least I suppose it was the doctor. Given he had no identification on him and he didn't bother to introduce himself, who really knows? He sat down in front of Matthew and kept telling him to move closer so he could listen to his chest. "I'm not going to bend over, my back hurts. You are going to have to scoot over here!" Ugh.

Well. After a very thorough (HA!) 2 minute examination he determined that there was nothing wrong with Matthew. Granted, he had 104 fever and he was coughing up a lung. But it would pass in a week or so. Thank you and goodnight.

I was livid. I guess since I've worked in hospitals before (or maybe just because I'm human) I was so put out by this visit! I mean, seriously. Nothing wrong? Granted, perhaps it's not pneumonia and we had ruled out flu, but nothing? How about a little compassion and bedside manner? Even a "continue to give him the medicine you are giving him, make sure he gets lots of rest and call your doctor if he doesn't improve in a few days" would have been better than "There's nothing wrong with him." See, Scott? There's incompetence in every ER.

OK. So he leaves and I did think to ask the nurse what his name is. I'll be calling my family physician about this one.

We got home around 2am and I finally managed to fall asleep in time to get up for church in the morning.

To be continued....

Keep A Bucket in the Car

2008-02-01T15:45:00.001-06:00

There are so many joys to motherhood...so many I could spend a lifetime and never name them all. But let me tell ya. I don't do sick kids. I guess it's a good thing mine are rarely sick, because I'd probably have to hire a nurse! I mean seriously, the whining, the crying, the wanting to be carried everywhere, the various excrements! You can have it.

Can you tell I have a sick kid? Yup. Matthew woke me up Wednesday night in the middle of the night fussing. I took him downstairs to lay on the couch (so I'm not the perfect mother who puts them straight back in bed!) and noticed he had a fever. Not a bad one, but one nonetheless. He was coughing a little but nothing alarming.

The next morning he was no better so I made him an appointment with our doctor. There's just too much pneumonia and flu going around to not be careful. He was tested negative for the flu (thankfully!) and given cough medicine for the cough. He slept most of the day and when it was time to get Rae from school we piled up in the car and headed on to get her.

I guess it was a combination of the cough medicine and the bump-bump of the car but Matthew was getting sicker, and fast! We ran by the bank and while in the drive-thru, Matthew unloaded, literally....all over the backseat. Poor Rachael, I thought she was going to climb in the glove compartment!

He felt better after and ended up sleeping the rest of the day and night. He's still got fever, cough, but at least the sleep will help. We'll see how this all turns out. I see visions of an entire household being down!

There's A Mouse In the House!

2008-01-29T08:21:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was a beautiful day. Temps in the 50's. Kids played outside, I cleaned out the car. I even opened up the windows in the house and opened up the sunroom!

After we got inside from playing, as I was walking down the hall, I saw this small "something" on the floor and dismissed it as a big leaf that one of the kids dragged in. My hands were full of laundry so I just walked past it. A few minutes later I was fixing dinner and noticed it in the kitchen. Rachael said, "What is that?" I said, "Oh it's just a leaf" and reached down and picked it up. It was not a leaf. It was a dead baby mouse. One of the cats must have found it in the sun room and dragged it in the house.

Now, typically I would have not freaked out. A few years ago, yes. But over the past few years I've had many animals to take care of, watched my hamster give birth and helped with baby hamsters (this mouse was about the size of a newborn hamster) and of course have given birth...twice. Not much scares me anymore. Anyway, I'm used to animals, so normally I would have just scooped it up (although probably not with my bare hands!) and thrown it out. But I totally freaked out! I think when you expect a leaf and it's this cold, damp, critter....I don't know. It was just funny ( looking back on it). Rachael sure thought it was funny. Teased me about it all night.

Of course then I had to wonder...where did it come from (although I'm sure it was the sunroom, there are boxes out there, etc) and are there more? If there are more I'm sure we will find them once the weather warms up and the sun room stays open most of the time.

In the meantime, the house is closed back up. We got a cold front through last night and the windchill is -5 right now. We are expecting 1-2 inches of snow, which would be fine except they are calling for "blizzard-like winds" and "snow drifts". It's days like this I hate to send Rae to school (although I did) because I hate the thought of what it will be like when school gets out!

Before I Was A Mom

2008-01-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

I got this in my email today and thought it was great. And true....

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

Birthday Parties and Snow Play

2008-01-28T08:32:00.000-06:00

We had a busy weekend, but as one of my friends says, "it's better to keep moving!" That tends to be especially true for me even though sometimes all I want to do is doze on the couch!

We went to a birthday party on Saturday for a friend of mine's daughter (that's GOT to be bad grammar, but oh well!). It was at the bowling alley and we had a really good time. Rachael and I had a chance to bowl a little together (Matthew was MUCH more interested in the arcade). I realized it had been a good 15 years since I had bowled! I had forgotten how much I enjoyed bowling, although I must admit I don't remember ever bowling (as an adult) without drinking beer! Seemed a little odd to be bowling with Orange soda! But such is the life of a Mommy!

After the party we were able to play outside for a while. It was in the upper 30's (the beginning of a heatwave!) and the kids enjoyed sledding down our hill. We did manage to get out again yesterday and do the same and the temperature was into the 40's! But never fear, it will be back into the teens by tonight with a snow forecast for tomorrow. Too good to last!

Yesterday at church the hand bell choir played for the first time under the direction of their new director...me! They were awesome. Who wouldn't want to direct a group as great as they are?! It was a bit hectic yesterday, I was directing and ushering but it always seems to come together.

So here we are, back to Monday. My day "off". I'm headed to take Matthew to school and then off to the gym. There will be housecleaning to be done (is that ever NOT the case?) but I'm taking it easy today.

One day and counting smoke free.....getting nervous. I realize how hard this will be, but I'm really dedicated to this. I've got friends keeping me accountable, along with Rachael and my Dad....what a cheering squad!

Good, Clean, Healthy Living

2008-01-25T08:27:00.000-06:00

So as I had mentioned before, I joined a "Lighten Up Iowa" team to lose weight and get in shape. I logged in my first week and have lost 3 pounds. Yea me!! Of course that's only the beginning. But I've worked out quite a bit this week and worked HARD. I can't get to the gym as often as I like. I try to go MWF while Matthew is at school and I stay about an hour. I feel good about that.

HOWEVER, the real challenge begins now. As most of you know I am a smoker. Not a very heavy smoker, but a smoker none-the-less. I have been a smoker for a good (so to speak) 20 years, with the exception of both times I was pregnant when I did not smoke out all. Rachael has voiced her concerns about my smoking several times and although I knew she was right, I just stayed in denial. It was obvious she was embarrassed. If she saw a pack laying around somewhere, she would put something on top of them so they weren't out in plain view.

On Wednesday I did my usual weekly volunteering at Rachael's school. The kids have gotten to know me well and usually will hug me when I get there and again when I leave. After Rachael got home from school that day she told me that one of her classmates asked her if I smoked. Rachael told her no.

So, that's it. I told her when I finished what I have (about 1/2 pack left) I was buying no more. When I have quit before I've always done it cold turkey and done fine. Plus I've been known to go for days without when I was on a trip or something. So I know I can do it. But, losing weight and quitting smoking all at once. This WILL be a challenge.

I'll keep you updated.

Countdown Clock and Picture

2008-01-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

Thanks, Kari for the idea of the countdown clock. I'm SO sick of snow and it's nice to watch the seconds tick away until spring. Although I don't feel much sympathy for you (as far as counting down until spring) considering you live WAY DOWN SOUTH! :)

Also, just a little picture her I took of Matthew last night. He was just so cute sitting there in his warmies, reading the dictionary. I'm truly blessed.

A Good Day

2008-01-21T21:15:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day. Rachael was out of school today so we had to make some plans! Once we dropped Matthew off at preschool we went to the YMCA. She played in the playroom while I worked out. I've joined the "Lighten Up Iowa" group not only to drop a few pounds but to get in better shape. So this was a great chance to get some exercise in. Once I had worked out for a while I went and got her and we walked the track together for a while. We still had some time to kill so we went into one of the empty gyms to play basketball. We had a great time!

We picked up Matthew and headed to Subway for lunch. It's been snowing all day but that doesn't keep the lunch crowd away! The place was packed but we managed to get our food and visit with a few people from church that we ran into.

Then, we headed back to the Y for a few hours in the pool. They had a blast! Matthew gets to go to the pool occasionally with his preschool class, but it had been a while since Rachael had been able to go. It seemed funny to me, these kids playing in the pool and you could look outside and see the snow falling. I guess I haven't lived in Iowa long enough for that to not seem strange to me!

My plan worked....well, partially. Rachael was sound asleep by 8:30 (even though she slept in this morning). Matthew, however is still going strong, playing in his bed at 9:20pm.

My initial thought, when planning all the activities at the YMCA today was for the kids to have fun. To my surprise, I had just as much fun. :)

Report Cards

2008-01-16T16:23:00.000-06:00

Well, today was report card day for Rachael. She got the equivalent of all A's (for a first grader). She really does well in school. I'm glad she likes it so much. On her oral reading test, the minimum benchmark score for reading aloud was 20 words per minute. Rachael scored 117 words per minute. Ya gotta be proud of that! I try not to make a HUGE deal out of it all because she's awfully young to worry about pressure and "scores" and such. But I'm just terribly proud. We did Taco Bell kids meals for a reward.

Matthew got his preschool report card a few weeks ago (boy they start early with the report cards these days!) and he also got the equivalent of all A's. He's one of only 4 kids (out of 21) who could write his name at the beginning of the school year. I could have been kinder and given him a shorter name, but I wasn't blessed with that, why should my kids be? :)

I hate to brag, but sometimes you just gotta. :)

Bedtime Blahs, Part II

2008-01-15T20:10:00.001-06:00

How did it go last night, you may ask? Well, lemme tell ya.

Rae and I got in bed at 7:30 as planned, her nighttime "check-off list" completed. We read and I got up at 8pm and told her she could continue to read, but had to stay in bed. I went downstairs, Matthew was asleep on the couch. So I carried him up to bed and proceeded to fix myself a bite to eat (seems I missed out on dinner in all of this). I decided at 8:30 to peek in on Rae and see how she was doing. Big mistake! Seriously now, if she weren't fine she would have gotten up or called for me, right? Oh but that wasn't good enough for me. I peeked in on her and she had put her book down and was laying there, almost asleep. She saw me and reached for me, and asked where Matthew was. I told her he was asleep and she asked me to get in bed with her. When I told her no, she began to cry. So, of course, I got in bed with her and she was asleep within 15 minutes. So I guess all in all, it wasn't HORRIBLE for the first try, right? Needs improvement though.

Tonight, perhaps a different story. Rae and I didn't get home from dance until about 6:15pm, at which time I proceeded to fix dinner AND give her a bath at the same time. Start the food, run up the stairs, start the bathwater. Back down, stir stir, back up, wash wash Up, down, up down. You get the picture. (Note to self: Dance nights should be Pizza night!) I did manage to get her clean and didn't burn the dinner. A major accomplishment on my part I believe!

After dinner she had to do homework and get ready for bed. It's 8pm now and she missed out on "reading time together". She's in her bed reading by herself, Matthew's in his bed reading (although he's been up twice within the past 15 minutes, now he's singing, so who knows what's gonna happen there.)

To be continued....

(45 minutes later...) Well, well, well. Not only did Rachael turn her light out after 30 minutes, but she's asleep! Unbelievable. Matthew is still awake, but he hasn't gotten up again. I went to the door and could hear him "reading" out loud to himself, but I didn't DARE let him see me. This is amazing. I can't believe he's still awake, but it shouldn't be long now.

I know, it won't work out this way every night, but at least now I hope I can relax and know that they CAN do it.

Yea for them!

OK, so it's 9:14pm. Matthew had been back in his room for an HOUR by himself. That's got to be a record for him. So of course, I went in there. Bless his heart, he was sitting there on his little bunk bed, surrounded by stuffed animals, barely able to keep his eyes open. I cleared him a spot and he put his head on the pillow. I rubbed his back and I swear it took him 5 minutes to pass out. All I could think was how beautiful he was. His little eyes getting heavier and heavier, cuddling his little blue elephant. Such a baby still, but growing up so fast! Then, of course I snuck in to Rae's room. She was all cuddled up in bed, surrounded by the kitties. Such an angel.

So, I don't care what anyone says. I consider tonight a success. Now, I can go watch all those shows I won't turn on when the kids are awake! Thank goodness for DVR! :)

Goodnight.

Bedtime Blahs

2008-01-14T11:10:00.000-06:00

I know, I know. It's my fault. And routines are SO hard to change! But here is my HORRIBLE bedtime routine (which by the way, I'm DETERMINED to begin to change, tonight!!)

8pm, Rae and I hop in to bed to read for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, Matthew is laying on the couch watching TV. After all, I can't put them BOTH to sleep at the same time! At 8:30 it's lights off and I lay in bed with her, rubbing her back listening to her as she occasionally pops up to tell me something that "just can't wait until tomorrow, it's important!". This goes on until about 9pm, which wouldn't be so bad I suppose, but I've still got one more to get to bed, plus I really think she should be asleep before 9pm.

Once she's SOUND asleep, I sneak out and head downstairs to Matthew. Unfortunately usually I'm wiped out and it's easier for me just to let him fall asleep on the couch and for me to carry him to bed. He's usually not asleep until 10pm so I KNOW he's not getting enough sleep! He's a challenge when it comes to bedtime. And he's going to be harder to change, simply because at least I've helped Rae get used to falling asleep in her bed.

Then there's the more than occasional "sneak" into my room. I wake up in the morning and they are in bed with me! Perhaps 2-3 nights a week they make it all night in their room so I know they can do it. But I should concentrate on GETTING to bed before I worry about STAYING in bed. (Besides, I hate to admit it, I kind of like those early morning cuddles. They won't want to do it forever!)

So tonight, a change is coming! Now, Rae LOVES lists and structure and routine so she might take to it, until I get out of her bed after the 30 minute reading for her to put herself to sleep. Then the battle with Matthew will begin. I know this will take time, I will TRY to be patient.

Wish me luck.

The Iowa Caucus

2008-01-03T21:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I did it. I went to the caucus although I'm still confused. Is "caucus" a noun or a verb? Did I Caucus? Or did I go to the caucus? Ok, wait, let me see.....sooo, my question is not so silly. I looked it up "Caucus" is used as both a noun and a verb. That's according to the Legislative Glossary of Terms. OK. I've got that behind me now...sorry. Moving on....

I arrived about an hour early, not knowing what the crowd would be like. Good thing I did. It was cold and windy and I was able to find a parking spot close to the building. I went in, found my ward, signed in and had a seat. Immediately I ended up with a sticker on me and snacks in my hand.

It was such a friendly place to be. We were all there to vote, perhaps for different people, but all with the same thing in mind. This country needs change, a BIG change. I saw several people I knew from my neighborhood, the school, church. It was really fun. Then it was time. The moment we had all waited for. We got in our selective corners, cheering for our candidate and counted, once, twice, three times. Then we went after those who had less than 15%. Then again, with the counting. It took about an hour once the doors closed. I had never "caucused" before and I'm glad I did. And I will again. It's more complicated and chaotic than what I'm used to, going downtown, filling out the form, got all day to do it, but it was an experience to remember.

OK, so my candidate didn't win in Iowa. But it's just the beginning. One thing I was so impressed with tonight was when we were all visiting, several people mentioned that all 3 of the front runners were good so we weren't voting "against" anyone and no matter the outcome we could feel good about this.

I should mention, I'm NOT a crowd person. In no way, shape or form. They freak me out. So this was not an easy thing for me. Thanks, Daddy, for encouraging me to do this. I experienced history tonight. I'm glad I did it.

Christmas Parties

2007-12-21T12:30:00.000-06:00

Ya know, I just don't do well in crowds. Especially the Walmart, Christmas shopping types of crowds. But there we were last night, Rachael and I, doing some last minute shopping for Christmas parties. I'm room mom for her class and I had to take 2 dozen cookies to Matthew's party. Poor Rae, with the chaos going on, there I was saying "no, get behind me....no wait, will you just stay in front of me? Gosh Rachael, when you are in front of me I keep running into you because you keep stopping! Get beside me. No Rachael, when you are beside me there is not enough room to get through the aisles!!" You get the picture. But we made it out of there with party supplies and her gifts for Matthew, Nana and Dale. Success and we spent less than $100! $96 to be exact.

Rachael's party was at 9:00 this morning. I brought cookies and crackers (juice supplied by the school) and I brought the goodies to make candy-cane reindeer. With the help of her teachers, my mom and another dad it was a success.

The party was over at 10am and Matthew's Christmas program began at 10:30am. One of the benefits of living in a small town. This time crunch was actually do-able.

Matthew did such a good job! The kids sang several songs and then when leaving the stage they got to each say their name into the microphone. Only about 4 kids wanted to do it (some were feeling a bit shy about being on stage with all those grown-ups looking at them) but Matthew got right up there and said his name.

After the program we had snacks, etc and Santa was there.....now, for some reason my children are not real fans of Santa "in person"...now the concept of Santa is wonderful and they love Santa! But the thought of him being in the same room with them? I don't think so. However, Santa had reindeer food and Matthew REALLY wanted some reindeer food...so he braved it. I was so proud of him. Honestly, I couldn't care less whether they sit on Santa's lap or not....but I was proud of him for facing his fears head-on and coming out a winner.

I wasn't thrilled about BOTH parties being this morning, but now that it's all over, I'm so glad. At least it's behind me and I can relax. Presents are bought and wrapped, Christmas cards are (almost) all mailed out (reminder to self....go by the post office for more stamps). All that's left is a little cooking and we are good to go! Oh and of course church music performances on Sunday and Monday. I'm singing a solo on Sunday, then playing hand bells and directing the choir on Monday.

More snow is expected tomorrow. So far it says ice tonight and 2-4 inches of snow tomorrow with LOTS of wind. Don't think I'll be going out in it! It should be over by tomorrow afternoon so we'll have time to clear the driveways before church on Sunday.

Stay warm! I plan on doing the same!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-20T08:51:00.001-06:00

Let those Creative Juices Flow!

2007-12-14T14:20:00.000-06:00

I'm a huge advocate for allowing my children to express themselves. To learning new things and experimenting. I'm the first one to hand my kids the digital camera and let them have at it. Granted, the camera is barely hanging on and has masking tape holding it together. But I've gotten some FANTASTIC pictures out of the deal!

However, that being said...I discovered yesterday when I was taking a picture of my dear daughter (she's lost 4 teeth in 2 weeks and looks too cute!) that the camera's memory was full. Matthew had been taking pictures the day before and to my shock and amazement, this is what he found worthy of photographing:
So remember folks, when you let your children's artistic juices flow, use caution when downloading your camera!!!

Christmas Survey

2007-12-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

I got this survey on my MySpace bulletin board from my good friend, Joy.
Here are my answers.

1. Christmas tree up yet?
Yes. We put it up the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

2. Any Christmas decorations up yet?
Yes. Inside and out.

3. What are you asking for for Christmas?
Just to be home. Kinda missed out on Christmas last year.

4. What do you usually do on Christmas Eve?
Church. This year I'll be doing handbells and choir at the service. Busy time!

5. What do you usually do on Christmas Day?
Wake up. Open presents. Cook C'mas dinner. This year we will have Christmas dinner at church, so not so much cooking. YEA!

6. Do you own any christmas clothes or jewelery?..
Maybe a Christmas pin or something.

7. Do you use white or colored christmas lights?
White

8. Do you cook Christmas cookies?
Yup, did it yesterday.

9. Do you buy Christmas presents for your whole family?
I wish I could...mostly just the kids and grandkids.

10. How many friends do you buy presents for?
A few.

11. Is there a Santa Claus?
Heck ya!!

12. Favorite Christmas Carol?
Oh Holy Night

13. Would you rather it be a white Christmas, or a warm Christmas?
White.

14. Was last year a good christmas?
No!!!

15. Which Christmas color do you like better? RED or GREEN?
Red.

16. Do you get a real Christmas tree, or is it artificial?
Artifical

17. When you get older, will you get a real or artificial tree?
I am older and I have an artificial.....

18. Do you hang stockings?
Yes...stockings for everyone! Family, pets...whatever.

19. When opening presents, does your family all open them at the same time, or do you take turns?
We take turns to make it last longer.

20. What is usually in your stocking?
Mine? Lump of coal.

21. Do you get up early on Christmas day?
Yes, the kids get me up!

22. Does your family eat breakfast before or after opening presents?
After.

23. Do you have a favorite ornament you hang on the tree?
A handmade star that my father bought in South Africa.

24. What Christmas movie do you like to watch the most?
Hun, if it ain't a cartoon my TV doesn't know how to play it!

25. What do you like better, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Day.

Back Again.....

2007-12-12T08:07:00.000-06:00

Ohhhh it has been so long, I have been so bad! Life just seems to get in the way, sometimes. But I guess it's a good thing I blog for me, because I'm wondering if I'm the only one reading this! Seems no one noticed that it's been forever since I blogged! But like I said, I do it for me.

Ice, snow, then more ice, then more snow.....and did I mention ice? We've had a few weeks now with lots of it. The kids stayed home from school yesterday and around here it seems that's a rather big deal. It takes quite a bit to close school. But they were back today, although watching Dale try to drive up our driveway to take Rae to school was rather interesting. I kept picturing him flying back down the driveway and crashing through the garage. But he made it and she's at school, safe and sound. I did decide to keep Matthew home. The ice and such isn't worth only being at school for 2 1/2 hours.

In the midst of all this snow and ice, Sunday was the choir concert at church. As if all their hard work, coming to practice and all each week wasn't enough. Even with all the snow and ice on the ground everyone showed up for the performance and it was flawless! I mean completely perfect!! I was so proud of "my" choir. As the last "Joy!" was sung I had to fight back the tears. I know, it seems rather over dramatic for a small church's Christmas program. But considering where I was a year ago (hospital) and where I am now. It was even more amazing than maybe it would have otherwise been.

So I'm going to work harder on keeping this updated. It's so good for me. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in Mommy-ing and such that I forget to take a few moments to decompress. This helps me do that.

Grief

2007-10-26T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here in tears with grief over the loss of a cat. Not my cat, mind you....my dad's cat. This is possibly one of the saddest pet losses I have experienced. My dad decided, about a year ago, that he wanted a cat to keep him company. I convinced him that he should get 2. He's gone alot and the cats could keep each other company. So we got him 2 cats from the animal shelter here, got them checked, fixed and got their shots for them and then traveled to Texas to take them to him.

Now, let me say this. My dad LOVES these cats. Not a conversation goes by that he is not talking about them. All of his friends love them, they are awesome cats. Daddy lives alone, is blind and the cats are his family.

So he called me today. The female cat, Sophie, evidently got in the dryer while he was doing laundry yesterday. He had no idea. He found her. I cannot IMAGINE how he must have felt, discovering her that way. I tried to explain to him, this had nothing to do with his blindness. Cats, unfortunately, like to get in dryers. And Sophie was notorious for getting into small spaces.

He's heartbroken. I'm heartbroken for him. I worry, not so much about the loss of Sophie, but about the circumstances. His loss would be hard enough, but he has to deal with the guilt as well. It's just so sad. He's so careful about them, maybe more so than most because he is blind. This was just so unfortunate and tragic.

So if you read this, send positive thoughts his way. If you pray, please pray for him. He spends most of his day, every day caring for others. He has friends who are surrounding him with love right now, but this is gonna be tough. I told him to let his friends comfort him and to let his other cat, Spook, comfort him as he comforts Spook.

I just needed to share.

Books

2007-10-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

I just read a book...yes I said it. I JUST READ A BOOK! I can't tell you the last time I read a book. But I did it. Today. Matthew and I went to the library today for storytime and while he was enjoying his time I went upstairs to check out a few books. I saw this book, Life on he Refrigerator Door by Alice Kuipers. I just thought it looked cute ("Notes between a mother and daughter") so I checked it out. Wow. Cute was not the word to use for this book. It was easy reading but very emotional. Very good.
Anyway, I was so excited about actually reading something that I'm about to start on another one I've been waiting for the library to get in, "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom. I've really enjoyed his other books, so I bet this will be as good. I also checked out a few genealogy books and a biography of Abraham Lincoln. Genealogy has really become my passion and I've discovered, much to my father's joy, that I'm a closet history buff! Anyway, enough of my book report.
I broke my toe yesterday. OUCH! Acutally I don't KNOW that I broke it, but I'm pretty sure it is broken. I called the doc today and she said their's nothing they do for a broken toe, so I'll just limp around a bit. But MAN it hurts! Yes, I was goofing around. Matthew was on my bed and I was jumping around singing and acting silly and WAM I ran into the corner of my dresser. That'll teach me.
More soon

What a week!

2007-10-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

Seems I've already used "What a Week!" as a title of one of my posts...but if the title fits, blah blah blah.

My dad was here for 2 weeks, just left Monday. It's always a good time when he is here. The kids adore him and we always have fun! We went to see my 96 year old Grandma when he was here and it was a wonderful experience. She is an amazing woman, just had surgery for yet another cancer and is recovering fine. They managed to get all the cancer. It's amazing to me that they would even do surgery on a 96 year old, but the surgeon said that was no reason not to. She's in perfect health! She was thrilled to spend time with the kids. I haven't seen her smile so much in a long time.

I've started working out at the gym, determined to lose some weight. With my youngest 4 years old now, I can no longer use the excuse "baby fat" . Time to get busy. Wish me luck.

I started my volunteering for the year at Rachael's school today. I've been rather anxious about it, ready to get started. I've felt so disconnected and being there, meeting her classmates and being a part of it made me feel better. I only do an hour a week, but it's so worth it! Rachael enjoys having me there and I like knowing the kids that she's talking about everyday! I've already been to Matthew's school a few times, so it was good to go to hers.

So, it's almost time to head to the gym. Wednesdays are my busiest day I think. Kids to school, volunteer, gym, pick up Matthew at 11:30am, shop for Nana, laundry, clean house, Rachael home at 3:00. Get the kids settled, fed, bathed, etc before I have to go to choir practice tonight. Who says I don't have a full time job? :)

As of right now, I've got 2 blogs going. I haven't decided where I will hang my hat. So in the meantime, I'm double-posting. I'll see which blog seems to work better for me (and you).

Having a great day, I hope you do the same.

Separation Anxiety

2007-09-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

I think I'm having separation anxiety or first grade anxiety or homework anxiety. I really don't know which. If it's separation anxiety it took 1 1/2 years to get here! I know that I'm not the one in school, but this school year has been really hard on me! Boo left this morning in tears because of her homework (which was not done and was lost over the weekend), which inadvertantly left me in tears as well! Should 6 years olds REALLY have to stress over homework? Should 6 year old even HAVE homework? OK, different subject, I'll probably end up doing a whole blog on homework before this is all over with. But seriously, this is all so stressful! So I ended up emailing her literacy teacher explaining the homework situation, letting her know how seriously Boo takes this and that we would be glad to redo it tonight.

OK, so maybe late onset separation anxiety (hehe, sounds like a real diagnosis, doesn't it?). Maybe it's because last year was so blissfully wonderful in school that it didn't really FEEL like school? I was all involved, volunteering, getting notes and emails from the teacher (who is, I must admit, an absolute gift from heaven and we've already requested her for bub for next year). This year I'm completely disconnected, cut off. Maybe this is real life school and I've just never experienced it before (from the parenting side). I've offered to volunteer in the class but it's "not needed yet". Or maybe it's because next year Bub starts kindergarten and then they will BOTH be in school and then no more babies for me? I don't know. Boo loves school, loves her teacher, but I see the stress already. Most of it self-inflicted. But since I don't have a clue what's going on in school (or at least I don't feel like I do), what can I do?

I don't know. I'm just walking around here with a big lump in my throat, hoping she doesn't get in trouble for not having her homework (which is obviously my fault if I threw it away), waiting anxiously for a response from her literacy teacher, assuring me that all is alright.

MAN I need a hobby! :)

What a Week!

2007-09-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a non-stop crazy week so far! It started Sunday morning, the first "choir" Sunday of the season. The choir did great, of course. I'm glad to get that first performance out of the way, it's always a little nerve-wracking for me! Of course I had to pick a more difficult piece for the first Sunday, which looking back, I think wasn't wise. The choir was fine but I could have decreased my stress level if I had picked something a little easier. I guess I got a little carried away directing, though. In the middle of the performance I whacked the microphone that was standing beside me! Luckily it didn't fall over in a loud crash! I don't think anyone noticed, but I tried to control myself after that!

Monday consisted of getting the kids to school, running for a lengthy trip to Walmart, picking up Matthew, cooking and cleaning and then off to committee meetings at church at 5:30pm. Who says I don't have a full time job? I'm on the worship committee and am secretary for the Deacons, both of whom met that night. Made it home by 7:45pm, just in time to get the kids to bed!

Tuesday? More of the same. Entertaining Matthew, running errands and of course yesterday was the YMCA's High School Musical 2 Extravaganza, which Rachael has been SO excited about! I dropped off her and her friend after school and then Matthew and I showed up after the movie for a swimming party. Home in time for dinner, homework and bedtime. (Yes, first graders with homework. I can't even IMAGINE a few years from now if they ALREADY have homework!)

Today? More of the same. Got to take Matthew to school, Nana to the store, get some recycling done, housecleaning and get ready for choir tonight. I know, for those who have "real" jobs it sounds like I've got it easy. Trust me, it's not. I've neglected the house more than I should this week, simply because I've been out running. Maybe I'll find time for me next week?

As you can see, no new and exciting news, just the same ol' stuff. But we are looking forward to my Dad coming to visit in 2 weeks! It's always fun when he comes. He entertains the kids and never requires us to entertain him! He enjoys just living our lives while he is here.

Time to get Matthew ready for school!

The Invisible Woman

2007-09-11T16:44:00.000-05:00

I got this in an email today. How appropriate!

Perspective: The Invisible Woman

By Nicole Johnson

It started to happen gradually. One day, I was walking my son Jake to school. I
was holding his hand, and we were about to cross the street when the crossing
guard said to him, 'Who is that with you, young fella?'
'Nobody,' he shrugged.
'Nobody?' said the crossing guard, and I laughed. My son is only 5, but as we
crossed the street I thought, 'Oh my goodness, nobody?'

I would walk into a room, and no one would notice. I would say something to my
family like, 'Turn the TV down, please,' - and nothing would happen.
Nobody would get up, or even make a move for the remote. I would stand there for
a minute, and then I would say again, a little louder, 'Would someone turn the
TV down?' Nothing.

Just the other night, my husband and I were out at a party. We'd been there for
about three hours, and I was ready to leave. I noticed he was talking to a friend
from work. So I walked over, and when there was a break in the conversation, I
whispered, 'I'm ready to go when you are.'
He just kept right on talking.

That's when I started to put all the pieces together. I don't think he can see
me. I don't think anyone can see me. I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one
of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken
to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not! No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the
floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at
all.

I'm invisible.

Some days, I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie
this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human
being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer,
'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30,
please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that
studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going-- she's going-- she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend
from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was
going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking
around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and
feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only
thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana
clip, and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling
pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package,
and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd
given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for
the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would
become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
* No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
* These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
* They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
* The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral
while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside
of a beam! He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much
time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will
ever see it.'
And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that
is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.
It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the
people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on
something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far
as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there
are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning
and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing
it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only
at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the
sacrifices of invisible women.

mommyblogging

2007-09-11T09:55:00.001-05:00

Mammograms

2007-09-04T11:19:00.000-05:00

Today was the day. My first mammogram. Oh the horror stories I had heard with all the squishing and pressing and pinching. Come on now....it was nothing! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't fun, but it was really nothing.

2 1/2 years ago my best friend since kindergarten died of breast cancer. I couldn't help but wonder what her first mammogram was like. She was so young! She has been on my mind so much today. I miss her, so many days I get angry because she's gone. She had babies the same age as mine, now they have no mother. It's just not fair. But SHE is the reason I had this mammogram. Every year on her birthday, I donate to the Komen foundation. I can't bring her back, but I pray that they will find a cure. She has a daughter. I have a daughter.

So girls, go get your mammogram. It's so not a big deal! But in so many ways, it is a big deal. It took me all of 15 minutes. Do it for your babies, if nothing else.

2007-09-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

I've thought of so many "blog-worthy" subjects over the weekend, but of course with kids running around, etc who has time to write? And when I try to write, my concentration gets thrown out the window (considering all I hear is "Mommy, I need.....Mommy, get me.....Mommy, I gotta PEE!" So you see, no time for writing.

So, I'll do a separate blog for each subject, just so I can keep up. First of all, I've moved my blog from MomsBuzz. It's all fine and good, but I was getting tired of the pop-ups and half the time I'd lose my entry and have to start over again. Sorry, I don't have the time OR the ability to even remember what I've written! So here's my new home. Welcome.

Ya know, in a world of High School Musicals and Hannah Montanas, the most interesting thing happened the other day. My kids watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and The Sound of Music (well, most of it). It was so cute for them to watch the things that I watched when I was a kid. See, I was a musical FREAK! I memorized all the songs to every musical known to man and dreamed of someday performing them onstage. I would get SOOO emotional when the songs came on and just sing and dance...yes, I was a drama queen. So, then there's Boo. JUST like me. It's so funny because I know EXACTLY how she feels. Of course she's singing all the High School Musical songs, but she wants to be Gabriella and she sings with SUCH emotion for a 6 year old! But anyway, it was nice to see her enjoying those oldies. She was even dancing around the room singing "I am sixteen going on seventeen". Cute.

Just another day at the zoo

2007-08-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

OK, so what was I thinking? Boo would be in school, brother and sister missing eachother terribly. We walk in the door, brother and sister run into eachothers arms (slow motion, can't ya see it?) and play sweetly together all night......and then I woke up.

Boo's been home 20 minutes now. So far they've screamed at eachother about 3 times, Bub has repeatedly (each time a little louder) asked her to drag him around the room by his head (fortunately overheard this and convinced her that we didn't want to take a trip to the ER today).

So now she is looking for her Barbie Cheerleader twisty thing. "Where is it mom?" "I don't know, look in the toy box" (5 seconds of searching) "Nope, not there....now really, where is it?" "Well hun, I don't know, go look in your room" "Well I didn't lose it, I've been at school all day!" "Well, Boo, I GUARANTEE you that I did not play with it in your absence" "Well, Mom, FIND IT!" "Well, Boo, NO!" Huff, grunt, found something else to play with. Sheer joy.

On the brighter side, she is loving school. She loves her teacher and everything associated with first grade. The girl sitting next to her told her yesterday that her folder was a "baby" folder because it had Disney Princess on it. I guess when you are in the first grade, you are much too mature for Princess. I asked Boo what this gal had on her folder, thinking maybe High School Musical, Hannah Montana or is that too baby too? She had cats on her folder. Cats....does anyone else see the silliness of that girls remark when she had cats on her folder? Give me a break. I asked Boo what her response to this overly mature, cat-loving , first grader was. She said she did not respond. To that I say "Go Girl!" I was proud of her. I asked if her next-desk neighbor was friendly today and Boo said "Yeah, I guess she said all she had to say yesterday"

OK, kids won't let me type anymore...I've spent 5 minutes not paying close attention to them! More later!